We like our curves flat, please!

‘I am done playing rock, paper, scissors with Dee; sick of cooking and cleaning. The office is where I belong, man”, ranted my niece, for the Nth time.

It turned out that what she really missed most was shopping – real and online. And no, online ordering of vegetables and groceries does not count.

“Why don’t you browse H&M and Nykaa online? You can even fill the cart. Just skip the last step”, her husband suggested, his little consultancy mind gleeful at the thought of all the saved pennies. Clearly someone doesn’t believe in retail therapy!

“Why don’t you play book cricket since you miss IPL so much?”, she shot back, flouncing out of the room.

I watched this and so did all the other family members on our weekly zoom call. Splendid repartee, I must say. Hubs and I must step our game up. 

While all of us returned to our routine after the call concluded I wondered where people would head first once lockdown was lifted – malls, beauty parlours or their workplaces?

I decided to find out for myself. I worked on a google form and circulated it to my friends and family.

“Can’t wait to pick up a saree for Veeru’s wedding, so guess it would be the mall”, my friend said referring to her daughter’s best friend’s brother’s summer wedding planned in Punjab. She went on to elaborate on her shopping plan, the comments section of the form obviously not enough while I seriously wondered whether she would even be able to make it to the wedding, 

“It would have to be Radha’s” said my friend in Bangalore referring to her salon. Her hair needing colour so urgently, it was practically an emergency. 

“It would be to my temple” said my mother-in-law who missed her frequent visits to her chosen place of worship. Highly addictive stuff, this opium of the people. 

“My office is falling apart”, said my workaholic sister for whom work is worship.

“To the shelter”, bellowed my daughter who thought dogs were god’s gift to mankind. Her current logic for a dog was that if lockdown continued, at least she would have an  excuse to head out with her pet.

“Straight to the TV – India and South Africa play a match in October. What a fixture!”, my sports fanatic of a husband enthused. 

The way different people were reacting to this pandemic and the resulting lockdown made a very interesting subject to study as well. I decided to do a light hearted comparison between groups of people, some iconic cartoon characters and well known mythological figures. I came up with five classifications.

The day begins with some geniuses bombarding WhatsApp groups with frequency tables, histograms, pie charts, and other assorted representations of data on corona virus.  Like Professor Cuthbert Calculus, these people too are hard of hearing and unluckily do not hear others muttering about information overload and WhatsApp university. They are obsessed with this miserable, misguided and murderous molecule of mildew..pink profiteering parasite, quivering ectoplasm. They claim that they are watching for the curve to flatten! A watched curve never flattens, right? 

There are also people who, much like the Nickelodeon cartoon character Oswald, are cheerful and optimistic in the face of this pandemic. People might be testing positive all around them but this group would remain unflappable. They clap merrily, light lamps with almost indecent enthusiasm and warble merrily. 

“End of the road..nothing much to do..and no hope of things getting better…”, said Eeyore famously and many would agree with him. These are the ones who locked themselves up long before lockdown officially began. They get along very well with this next group of people.

Then we have the types that sent early messages about how it was actually rasam that was protecting Indians in China from contracting the virus. This group is working on corona-resisting remedies much like Getafix’s strength-enhancing magic potions. The most crazy mix of herbs, spices and (cow)excreta are touted to be cure for corona and the news is then spread around with total conviction.

There are those who have gone into hibernation – no stress taken, no advice given, no interaction with the outside world. They take take full advantage of the lockdown by simply vegetating – no WFH and no house help duties either. These Kumbhkarans wouldn’t mind an indefinite extension of lockdown. 

I’m not sure which category I fall into but definitely not the last. Right now, I have a bigger problem – my front yard. If I had had time to prepare, I would have turned my Amaltas tree into a bonsai. Those of you who have been following my musings would be familiar with my notorious Amaltas tree which goes rogue every spring. For a short but miserable two weeks, it cheekily sheds millions of leaves just after the area has been cleared! The only saving grace is that my whiny neighbour (sworn Amaltas hater and also botanical copycat) is locked down in Australia and is thankfully unaware of the state of affairs back home. Meanwhile we watch the curve.

 

(Surender Gnanaolivu is a store designer, retail photographer and an illustrator)